Monday, October 7, 2013

A brief history, excluding most of the details

I was given the impression I was fat on and off as a kid and somewhere mid-tweens.  Sometimes I didn't think so, but sometimes I did.  For a little while, my mom bought me clothes at Sears in what they actually called their "chubby" sizes.  Imagine!  I've never forgiven Sears for that.  I had a dream as an adult that the Sears Tower was a giant chubby dress and it was coming to get me.  Run for your life!  Here comes the monstrous chubby dress!

As a young adult, I started gaining, then losing, then gaining more, then losing more, etc. --  then REALLY losing, then gaining beyond anything I could have imagined.  I was way too thin for awhile, because I wanted to be loved and I thought that would help, but it didn't.  I was self-loathing and a nervous wreck, so those things didn't help either.  When I realized that wasn't helping, and life became unbearable, I said screw it.  As I've said, I've had major depressive disorder for as long as I can remember (but I'm *much* better now).  And at one of my lowest points, after my marriage broke up, and I felt I had lost all my friends at the same time, and I didn't have a place to live, I just shut everything off -- including any self-recognition of physical cues, like hunger.  And I gained and gained.  I've had one or two periods of losing weight again, but it's been some time since the trend was downward.

As I've said, carrying so much weight around is extraordinarily painful.  My life is limited in so many ways.  This is not something that I've chosen, nor would anyone choose it.  I've found temporary remedies that have helped for awhile, but it's always been something of a struggle -- a sense that what I was doing to lose weight was not normal, and that I wasn't normal, and that everything was wrong.  I think ... it's early yet, but I think this group therapy thing is better.  I'll report more as I go along, but at the moment, I feel simply more in touch with those parts of my that shut down, in terms of hunger cues and that sort of thing.

A short list:
Lower back pain
Foot pain
Occasional but extraordinary shooting pains in the muscles along the outside of my thighs, to the point that I can't take a single step without stopping and regrouping (followed by a single step ...)
Emotional pain/self-loathing

It's hard to jump up and start exercising, even walking, when you don't know when you'll just freeze and not be able to move another step.  So it's not that easy.

I don't mean this as a list of complaints.  I'm just trying to make a factual documentation of what I -- and others who are in this same boat -- experience.  There's a great deal of ignorance about what larger people go through, and I want to try to shed some light on it.

More to come.


Not Necessarily Reality said...

I'm right there with you, Ade. I want to go for walks but I don't know when my back might cease up and I won't be able to walk. It happens in the middle of the night when I get up to pee. It's awful.

I'm going to try to start doing crunches.

Jawja said...

Many hugs and a salute to you my friend!

Wincey said...

Sometimes I take a cane, when I know I have a ways to walk and there isn't any way out of walking. I haven't needed it much, but I had a serious problem with walking after being in the car for several hours not long ago, and wish I'd thought to bring the cane. It also helps when you feel you have to convince someone that you actually need some accommodation. And sometimes I do. A lot of time I do.

Tavie said...

Plantar fasciitis is one of the fun little "side effects" I have.